Whats The Point?? part1

One never knows where to start with these things, I've just got up from bed at 2:30am because I can't get to sleep, why you might ask, well, there is a number of reasons, the first real big one, is that I need to get up early, well ok on time, but for me thats early, and I mean around 8am. So what am I not asleep, because I panic about getting up on time and wind myself up due to the fact i can't get to sleep and I have been laying in bed for the past 1.5hours. The only way I ever get to sleep is when I'm physically exhausted.

What does tomorrow ( Yes ok I meant today ) have in-store for me, I need to get to Crowthorne to replace a hot water cylinder with a multipoint water heater, then get to Wokingham to carry out a boiler breakdown and service, then back to Boringstoke, to get shower and changed, and see a potential customer and then make it to the pub by 8pm for Pool practice, Oh I forgot to mention, I have one of the team members turning up at mine around 7pm for a lift.

It's not just that I need to get up on time, other things are constantly playing on my mind, to the point that I can't shut it all off, I suppose some would say I'm a little nuts, probably a more technical term would be some psychiatric word I can't spell, I'll let you make your own mind up about that!

The past few years have been a bit of a disaster, for a Libran, one would say I have been weighing up the pros and cons a bit too much and choosing the cons, this may be a little true, but lets face it no matter what decision and reasoning behind that decision, every single one I made, was wrong. Can I do anything about those decisions??? thats a resounding no!

One may ask why I feel so alone, I suppose one reason is that growing up when i did and having to hide who one is, you tend to put up walls that are not easily taken down. One tends to hide behind a fake smile, a cheery disposition and "take life on the chin". It's not that, I have not tried to talk to people, and 6 months or so before my mum passed away I finally felt able to talk to her, no one apart from a bottle of Jack Daniels, has ever tried to help me, so I turned to the one, well maybe three "people" throughout my life, that always listened and never judged. Those "three" loved me for who I was, who I am, they didn't care that I was late, if I had the money, could or couldn't go to the pub, the only things they expected in return was love, food and someone to pick up their poo. Yes I'm talking about the best 3 German Shepheard dogs I have had the fortune to cuddle with.

I never realised until I was about 14 that Cassie, didn't care if I was wearing a dress or a pair of jeans, she just wanted fun, excitement, cuddles, of course food and long exciting walks, and I got far more in return than I ever gave.

After Cassie, Jack was the same, a little different being a cross with a Doberman, but never the less didn't care, even though I was embarrassed when ever he saw me with make up on, I don't know why I did feel that way I just did.

Jasper on the other hand, although he was just as bad as Cassie and Jack, he just wanted to be around me and my son. I suppose with Cassie and Jack, I just seemed to be the strong one, I think, Jasper figured out I'm as fragile as fuck, and despite the hard exterior, where nothing would seem to phase me, Jasper saw right through it.

Not many know that I was in hospital for a few weeks earlier this year, due to a cavitation in my right lung, the A&E doctor and lung specialist both said it was cancer, I told them it wasn't and after a few weeks on antibiotic drip and more once released in pill form, proved them wrong, so what happened 3 days later on Jasper's 13th birthday, I had him put to sleep, the hospital stay wasn't his fault, but the lung infection was partially caused by his poor health and the demands of a customer, casing me to carry out even more bad dusty work.

Both Cassie and Jack had that look when it was their time, that look was that they was done, even though it was hard loosing them, Jasper did not have that look, in fact he fought the injection, I think he knew I wasn't ready to loose him, even though his health was failing, and I can still see that look he gave me, as he tried to get up. That was in July.

I tried to turn to people around me, but no one really seemed to care, well I say that, my friend Sarah, who lost her sister last year, she came round and we chatted, and I miss that. I know I don't make the effort I should, and I have tried with others but it all seems a waste of time.

Even the pool team, isn't like it was, those that left the team before this season started, I haven't had any contact with, of course unless that was to fix a nailed pipe, not even 24 hours after leaving hospital, and I thought these people where my friends lets be honest who contacted me during the lock downs??? I suppose I'm coming back to the point that, of all my only real friendships, I have ever had the time for, was with with those puppies, who have always been there for me, even when I didn't deserve their love and loyalty.

That's one of the reasons I feel so alone and worthless.

Stay tuned for part 2.