Yikes - Another post, so soon!!!

It's hard to do my job, run a small business, expect an employee to be as good as me, plan in work, run a home on your own, provide the attention that my puppy deserves and still have a life. Paperwork still piles up, and as much as I try to catch up in the evenings and weekends, I just can not find that energy I once had, maybe it is a fact that I am getting old, some of my customers, I mean my really old ones, worry about me, they always say I need to slow down and typical me, I'll sleep when I'm dead. I suppose thats where the problem lies (I'll come back to that in a moment). 

I'm not going to lie, being Transgender, even in this day and age is hard, compound that with being self employed, one feels that one is in a constant up hill struggle. For the most part feeling accepted isn't an issue, my existing customers are lovely, it's the potential new customers that can be a problem. Over the past month, as the weather has changed, obviously we get calls from people with boiler breakdowns, and we have taken a few calls for broken boilers, those boilers, we are actually service agents for the manufacture, so you would expect that, regardless of my personal situation, people would be pleased that someone in the area knows their boiler model extremely well. Now I know what I sound like on the phone, my voice is crap and compound that with a weird throat infection, makes altering my voice so I sound like me, extremely hard or not worth it sometimes. So these phone calls go well, right up to the end when I get asked my name, then these potential customers just pause, or sometimes have a little giggle, I mention I'm trans and that it doesn't effect my 32 years experience in the trade. To save messing around and to make sure that they are ok with me, I ask these people to send me a text or email with their details so I can book them in when I get back to the "office". They never do!!! It is at this point I start to wonder if it is worth me just staying my dead name, I mean, it'll drive me up the frigging wall, but if it gets us through the door initially, then they can see what a fantastic engineer I am, and that us transgender people are just people and that we are NOT these scary individuals that the media has portrayed could be a good thing right?? Wrong. I've bent over backwards to help people in the past, I have made compromise after compromise to fit in, to be "normal", to keep a roof over my head, to feel accepted by people who have no clue who I am, even before I started to transition, so why feel I need to dead name myself? I have old customers who I haven't told and when they dead name me over the phone, that isn't an issue, I know I'll have that chat when I see them face to face. But just to keep the work flowing in and not to feel hurt every time these potential customers fail to follow up, isn't what I want, nor is it what I need!!! Why should I feel the need to make another compromise that just messes with my head??? I suppose, if those potential customers cannot get past the fact I'm trans, it just makes them assholes, but it makes me fell like shit!!!

This month has been absolutely manic, a very very dear friend and I have put Basingstoke on the map for our friends! We no longer live in Boringstoke, our local pub held a Halloween fancy dress night on the Friday, which was so amazing and fun, we had people visiting form all over who had a fantastic time at the pub, and then clubbing later on, and then we did the same on the Saturday night. If your saw our posts on facebook you would know that Oktoberfest was nothing compared to Halloween weekend. After three nights, yes I said three nights out on the lash ;-) I woke up with a trapped nerve in my neck, causing server pain in my right arm. I haven't got much sleep throughout the week due to the pain, and I'm not one that runs to the docs very often, especially as my job has always caused my the odd trapped nerve or back pain. But yesterday morning I had no choice but to call HantsDoc, I got a call back from a GP, whilst fixing a boiler and he basically said to give it a few days, if there is not an improvement, to call my GP. The pain put me in a place I haven't been in for a while and so on the Thursday Quiz night I decided to drive and not to drink, I did the same on the Friday, I still had a fantastic time down the pub and we won the Quiz night, not really my doing although I did get 1 question right, that no one else knew ;-), but it was a team effort lol. 

Yesterday a few of us met up at Vue to watch Bohemian Rhapsody, that was one amazing film, and it had us all in tears, memories of the past came flooding back. I am really annoyed with myself though, because I feel that I spoiled the whole evening. I have no idea what happened, or why, but within 30 mins or so from the start of the film, I came over extremely hot, I took off my cardigan, and I started to get even more hotter, I had a drink with me and that just made me feel worse, to the point, I was sweating so much it was dripping from my forehead, and just I had to get out of the cinema as I felt I was going to pass out. I said to one of my friends I felt really ill and I had to get to the loos, I couldn't take the steps to the right as I didn't trust my right arm to help steady me down the stairs, and I nearly didn't make it, things got a lot blurry and I stumbled a few times near the bottom of the stairs, all I kept thinking was I needed to get out, to get out of sight and not to collapse in front of everyone and spoil the viewing for them and the others in the cinema. I made it out to the loo's where I just sat in the cubicle, my heart rate had reached 154bpm, it only ever gets that high when I'm running, thank you Apple for keeping track, however I still wish I had the latest iWatch and iPhone, cos if I was having a heart attack or a stroke then it would detect that and call the local EMS to my location. After 5 mins sat in the loos I came out and one of my very close friends and come down to see if I was ok, I can't believe she did that, and I'm in tears whilst typing this as I don't think she knows how much that means to me, actually she probably does which is why I love her so much, there is only a handful of people I feel like that about and most of them was in the cinema yesterday. I still don't know what happened, for an engineer that is actually doing my head in, and scaring the crap out of me at the same time. We went back in and finished watching the film which was so amazing and well worth seeing. The plan was to meet up later at a 40th birthday party and go clubbing afterwards, I shot home to walk Jasper, grab a bite to eat, and get ready for the evening. I even picked up Bacon, eggs, and bread for when I got in after a drunken night out. After walking Jasper and eating dinner, the next thing I knew, it was 10pm, I don't remember falling asleep, I wasn't even tired, and I was excited to get out with everyone. With what happened in the cinema, I am starting to get worried, more so, to the point of getting some things in order just in case. Now I'm actually hating myself for letting down my friends last night, I was so looking forward to a fun packed evening, with some very dear friends who I love with all my heart. I do hope they read this as I am always a little reserved with letting people know my feelings, which is a very sad thing to say.

Through various times in my life, around certain major events, I get this strange feeling of Deja Vu and it usually happens 3 times, a month or so before something major, good or bad happens in my life. I know this might sound crazy, I'm not religious, but I do believe in certain spiritual things, I don't mean like god or the devil, and it is a little bit hard to explain, I suppose one of the easiest ways to explain this, is to ask if you have ever watched the film Final Fantasy. I have always had this feeling that there is no heaven and hell, yes we all like to think that there is something after life, my belief is that our spirit will return to Gaia. I know that this may sound a little nuts to some, I can here most asking what the hell Gaia is, especially to those that have a real belief in God. I'm a bit more practical, guided a bit by science and not by a book of words, written in whatever language, by people, to try and guide society into a way of living harmoniously. I respect peoples beliefs, as I would hope that people would respect mine. So at the end of the day I know that my spirit would return to Gaia, and maybe be reborn into a better existence. I see a lot of traits that I believe have been reborn into Jasper from my previous puppies. He does certain things that Jack, and Cassie used to do, even though they had never met. A very old friend has said the same about his past dogs, and don't mean the same breed either, which is why I feel that certain spirits follow us our entire lives and that these are drawn to us, as our spirit, our soul and our heart are drawn to other beings - people and animals. I suppose you could call them soul mates. 

So back to my reason of mentioning the above, over the last month I have had three serious Deja Vu events, these events fused with what happened in the cinema and my constant pain in my arm is deeply scaring me.

I know that this post is getting a little morbid, I dreamt for years I wouldn't make it past the age of 45, and I have. My whole family history on my Mums side is strokes and heart attacks starting from their late 50's my Dad had a stroke in her 50's and bearing in mind that I have had this recurring dream I would not make it past 45. Given what happened in the cinema, I am sadly, starting to look at things in a different light. I do not have that much to leave behind, I keep trying to cram in as much as I can, and with out sounding like I'm going to pop my clogs soon, I doubt I'll live past the age my Mum was at when we lost her. I suppose that is one of the reasons why I type so much rubbish out, I have so many things I want and need to say. Most know I have a hard time expressing my feelings. I hope they and others find my blogs a source of inspiration, maybe a little understanding of me. Even if it helps then realise that they are not alone and that there are people out there, that are in a similar situation. My Mum started to put together a family history folder ten years or so before we lost her, thinking that she felt she had to do that has me in tears. I am starting to find myself doing the same things that Mum did. I suppose it is why I have always felt I need to cram so much in, to achieve a certain amount if not more, so that when my time comes, I may not have too many regrets. Unlike I do today xXx.