Things haven't been going as I had planned or hoped they would in 2014.
So my last post I mentioned I had started hormones and IPL, and things started going really well, and even though I still feel lost with out my mum, things were finally looking up!
I managed to pluck up the courage to talk to my son over christmas 2013. He took it well, expected the conversation and seemed ok with it. Then few months after the chat at christmas 2013, Facebook app screwed up, let me explain, like most of us, I have 2 accounts, one as me and one as him (drab me), which I use mainly for work, now as facebook decided in their most stupidest moment, which was to separate the app and create a messenger app, which at that time, you cannot log out of, you have to delete it, reinstall it, to use it on another account ( that may be fixed now), I had originally logged into facebook as Sarah and when the messenger app was installed, it used my settings, so I was logged into his account in the FB app, and posted things for work, (little did I know that the messenger app staying in my account), I saw a post that might interest my son, so I shared it, in a private message. Harmless you all say, yep me as well….
Until I got a reply, "Would have appreciated this being sent from the other account" At that time I was like "Oh shit, bugger, fuck!!!" and why? I don't know!! So I opened up a browser and sent it again. Maybe this is a failing on my part, I really don't know, but I took this really badly, and although he said he was fine with me at christmas, I have this terrible feeling that, he was only saying that to make me feel better at being me. Knowing him the way I do, I'm probably being really stupid!
There are better ways to put things, personally I would have put something like, "oh great, and by the way did you know you sent me that from…."
I know it's my life, and sod everyone else, and although I do sort of agree with that, I am not that sort of person, and I will always put my son first, even though that has made me feel crap about who I am, which is really my fault and not his.
Now what with my Mum passing, and work being more down than up over the year, my self esteem isn't at the highest it's been and it doesn't take much to knock my confidence. Most of the time it's me that does the knocking, Perhaps I went into 2014 with rose tinted glasses on?
So where am I at now and what have I done in 2014?
I went out in January sales with a very old and dear friend, although it was great getting out in the daytime, I didn't buy anything cos the sizes was either too small or too large, and I did rather get my hopes up, way too high :-(
Since the sales I have only been out twice in 2014, once to Candy Girls and then to Pink Punters for christmass, I was going to go to Sparkle, and even paid for a hotel, but by the time it came round, work got in the way.
Pinks was amazing and I did enjoy myself, Vanessa came as well and the was great, haven't seen her in ages and we did a lot of catching up.
It's funny, I have inspired a couple of people to transition, which is fantastic, and what's holding me back.. ME!!! I do seem to put on a brave face and hide a lot of what I feel, not having anyone close to talk too, isn't great either.
So work hasn't been great, then all of a sudden it went mental, leaving me no time for me, I don't know what's wrong with me this year! Half the time I can't be bothered with work, and the other half, I need it!!!
I know our own phobias come into play with transitioning, and yes it's so what I want, but I keep knocking myself back, some how this year, rather than sorting myself out, like I always do, I get into a routine of, why bother, when I'm not going out anywhere, then I start to hating myself for not bothering, or I sort myself out only to feel later, that those couple of hours could have been spent not in the bath, but getting paperwork done. Again it's me causing the issues!
Basically - I have ran out of money to continue with hair removal, I really need to start electrolysis, but can't afford to, and my biggest fear/phobia is that I'm going to physically change (actually I am changing which is so superbly fantastic, finally!!! YAY), but my face is still going to be very (him), I know that electro will take ages, and even with the closet of shaves, my face isn't going to be as clear as I would like. What a few people don't seem to realise, is that my job isn't a job where a woman would wear makeup too, I know a couple of female plumbers and they don't wear the slightest bit of makeup, but for me, I would need to use foundation, which i sort of have to cake on at the moment to cover the blue area, it won't last half a day, at times I get covered in brick dust, cob webs (yes EEK), and like everyone, one might have a tendency to wipe ones face, or brush one's cheek, which would result in taking the time to go and and sort myself out.
My problem, is that I do see a lot of things in black and white, and I can never see the grey! As a paying customer, would I want my heating engineer to disappear off to fix her make up? No, I want her to get the job done and worry about her appearance out of business hours, and not during the time I am paying for her to do her job. I know that might sound harsh, maybe it is, maybe I need a different job, who knows, fact is, I like doing what I do, a lot of my customers know and are ok with me being me, so what was all that crap about, my phobia, of me and what other people think about me when they see me!!!
Anyway, so to top up the year, its been crap, I've been crap, to myself and I!!!
I do know sort of why, maybe this is a natural thing? I don't know?
What I do know is that next year will probably be the same! :-(
I am stuck in a rut? - Most likely and I don't see any way to change it, well not yet anyway!
Sorry if this has been a bit depressing, I have sort of gone on a tangent, and I just needed to vent, it has helped, I hope that it might help someone else, especially to make anyone feel that they are not alone in going through some crazy times.
So it's New Years Eve, and I'm not going anywhere, which makes a change. I think I need to start the New Year off, a little bit differently and maybe, just maybe, that might change my luck for 2015.
Happy New Year and may 2015 bring you all the best things that you want.
xXx
Copyright 2013-2023 Sarah O'Neill