Why Me!!!

We all get down sometimes, most people shrug it off as bad things that happen are "just a part of life", I used to be one of those.

There are a lot of people who know me, way before I started transitioning, those that do, would recall the bad situations that I would get into. These situations were just bad judgement on my part, they arose from my inability to handle strenuous situations and life in general. My coping mechanisms back then was just alcohol, loud music and giving the finger to "The Man", in other words rebelling against oppression that was bestowed upon me throughout my life. It was, upon reflection a way that I could cope with all the pressures.

The past ten years or so, has seen a lot of changes in my friends, customers and families attitude towards me. I am not one to suffer fools, but I am easily fooled, I have always said it is hard for me to trust people, and thats true, but the more I think about the past, and to be fair I am doing that a lot lately, I have trusted so many that have just purely taken advantage. Currently, I would say that there are only a small handful of people that I do trust and respect, yet I am very unlikely to turn to them in my time of need, I am a proud person, I am not proud from the downfalls of my past, but still I hate troubling people with my own demons, we all have our own to deal with.

I have to admit, I did have high hopes for 2018, I have no idea why, I know the year has only just begun, but so many things have gone wrong in the past eight years that, as much as I have tried, I just can't get away from failure.

I'm not sure if I have mentioned this before in another blog post, but one of my all time favourite films staring Keanu Reeves, is "The Replacements". There is a scene where the coach (Gene Hackman) asks the team, what's their biggest fear. The scene is sort of funny, but for those that feel like I do, a part of it really rings home. The answer Keanu gives is "Quick Sand"!!!

What happens in Quick Sand?? Well the more you struggle the more you sink. Just like every decision you make, that takes a wrong turn, so you make another, then another and pretty soon your way in over your head! Just like Quick Sand.

That's how my life feels, no matter what I do, no matter what I say, each and every desicion I have ever made, as far back as I can remember has led me from bad to worse. 

I know I have had some positive things happen, and I know I have love and support, from people I would never have expected to receive it from, and for that I am truly grateful and most humbled. 

Only recently I have actually opened up to some friends about my problems, and one piece of advise is a job change.

Seek help, I hear some of you say, well if I am honest, help only gets you part of the way, but if you, as a person, are still unable to get past those demons, then what is one supposed to do?

The past few weeks have seen me doing a few things that I have always struggled with doing. 

Just like anyone else who is Trans, especially someone who is as old as I am, just purely hates the daytime. Maybe deep down we are all vampires, but going out in day light is one of the hardest parts. I struggle with this as much as the next trans person. The problem with daytime is that the creases in foundation, the wrinkles and lines are easily seen and the world is full of judgemental people. People do look at other people, and judge them by the way they look, walk and talk. The daytime, just makes us more visible to others, their opinions and their low self-esteem. I know right that seems so alien, I mean who does that??? Seriously everyone does, which is bloody insane, no one was born with hate, racism or bigotry in them, ok maybe the president from across the pond, but you know what I mean. 

So daytime makeup for me is a pain, as the slightest of expression gets those foundation wrinkles flowing, doing my J.O.B is a pain, doing it as someone who is transgender is really starting to take it's toll.

I went to a LAGLO event a few weeks back and met some really lovely people. It was there that I found out about Chrysalis. They are a charity setup to help people like me. So just going into town, the first time in 18 years as me was scary. 

I actually joined on my first meeting a few weeks ago, to be honest, it is something that I need. 

I actually have no idea why I do this, actually it is due to low self esteem, but when ever I am out, I am shy as hell, I do not want to talk to loud, or say much of anything because I don't want to draw attention to myself, with the exception of the times where I am wasted, then I am not so shy. 

Last friday I had a really nice time, having coffee and chat with a friend in Starbucks in town and yes in the daytime! I did feel the eyes upon me, and no this wasn't the usual "our own fears", but I did get a few lovely smiles too which helped, and with that courage, I decided to go into Plumbase and get some materials priced for a job. 

Going to Plumbase was a mistake, to be honest I was hoping for a better turn of events, but it just rang home that, no I can't and should wear any makeup for work. Work is 90% of the problem, I only got 10 out of the 21 jobs I quoted for last year, and none out of the 5 jobs I have quoted for this year, out of those 10 jobs I got, 8 was for existing customers. That is a really bad percentage, I used to get on average 90% of the quoted work. Maybe that's due to the economy, who knows, but considering I am usually cheaper than most, with a much higher quality of work, I would have thought that the percentages would have been higher. But in all honesty, I am pretty certain that being trans, is what has cost me the work. So why bother doing any Quotations at all??? It is a waste of my time, time that I need to curl up on the sofa and get lost in the world of make believe on the telly. I suppose any business decision, I make, is my current "Quick Sand".

Can I carry on doing this job and Transition???

I highly doubt it, I can just about survive on existing customers and Service Agent work, but not with employing my old apprentice, now he's got is gas certifications, I should really be paying him more money, providing him a van and earning from him too, but we don't have the work load, I will not charge for the two of us, just to service one boiler, but I know he wants to stay. But the past four years has seen an average yearly drop in company income of over £15,000.00 so who knows.

Maybe I should have just gone for that Alpha area rep and service agent position last year, but I couldn't as it was target based sales and I would have had to move to Devon and Cornwall, maybe if I knew then, what I now know, but Andy was still doing his apprenticeship and that would have just been mean. In all honesty, there isn't that much keeping me in Basingstoke, and I am seriously wondering why I have stayed as long as I have.

Problem with work is, that I can't close it down, there are too many debts, according to my accountant, the business owes me £24,000.00, which I will probably never see, and I will not go bankrupt.

I forgot that yesterday was the first Pride event of the year, and I really wanted to go, but I had to get a job finished, Yep, again work is getting in my way.

I've attached a few pix from the other day, as any blog post would looked naked without a few.