Why Bother Anymore?

Throughout life we all ask ourselves, why am I here?, what should I do?, and where am I going?

Constantly these questions come up time and time again, but If I am really honest, my personal questions are more along the lines of, why am I disliked?, Why am I totally and utterly crap at whatever I try to do? Yes the list goes on.

I'm not going to say that this blog post is a call for help, lets face it, I doubt anyone will read this or even get in contact if they did read it. What I would imagine is, that person might feel relived that someone else is in a worse place than they are, and feel good about themselves, Oh bugger, see I'm helping someone else out. Anytime I have tried to talk to a few people, whom I shall not name, I get the impression that no one really wants to know about any issues i have, and unless I'm sharing shit, yes I said shit! on facebook, then no one cares and I truly mean that. 

Is it just me or are people that shallow?!? Surely you know what I mean? Those that like & make a comment on social media, as it shows the world that they care, when in fact they don't, it's just some sort of status (oh look at me, I liked 3000 posts this week, so I must care as everyone can see what I liked, oh look I did this, lets see how many likes I get). Before shitty facebook and twitter and all the other crapsharing places, yes including this blog, we used to talk to each other, people would call up out the blue for a chat, I have helped, phoned and emailed so many people over the years, helping them through difficult times, been on the phone for hours listening and just chatting, encouraging friends who don't do the same.

Most of the time, I show people what they want to see, and they have no idea what is really going on in the background, I don't want people feeling sorry for me, but I would just like once in a while, for a phone call to see how I'm doing, and not a phone call because their heating has broken down.

This whole COVID bollocks and it really is, has put a lot of things in perspective for me.  For a long time, and I mean a really long time, I have and still do, feel worthless, the only interaction with people was work or the pool team, and, unless I had money to burn to get absolutely slaughtered down the pub, no one would bother with me. It sort of begs the question, What have I done to deserve this sort of treatment?

I am no Angel, seriously I am not, but I have paid for my mistakes from the day I was born. 

I am more than my job, but to be honest if you want "mates rates" then act like a fucking mate!!! or call some other company, actually just call the another heating firm as I am sick to death of running about for virtually nothing, on the premises of helping a mate, when I am just plainly ignored. It's funny how I have more interaction from long term customers and my fellow bikers, than I have from anyone else this year, and this whole lockdown has cost me more money than my yearly outgoings, my sanity and beyond. 

So why do I feel useless with everything I do?

I just do, I mean I can't be bothered to finish my company website, I'm sick of it and bored to tears of the look and feel.

I decided I would revamp my personal site and move it away from tgland, but as you can see I can't really be bothered to finish it, it works, why make it pretty???

I also decided to do a subdomain to share my pool practice and some other stuff with the team, but I haven't heard from half of them, since Feb, so why bother doing that.

I don't see the point of even having the pool table anymore as, I doubt we will ever get back to playing matches, and am I really sure I want to be involved when we do???

Oh and apart from the things that I did enjoy once, it leads me back to me, and maybe the only reason I can see that people don't, can't or won't be bothered, is most likely because I'm shit at being trans!!!

I suppose that's really the only reason, why I shouldn't bother anymore, if no one likes, or respects me, how the hell am I supposed to like or respect myself. Before you say, oh like and respect yourself and others will do the same, how are they going to do that, when I'm left to face everything alone.