How can this world be so fucking Evil??!!??

Originally this post was going to be about something that happened earlier in the year, but I just couldn't bring myself round to typing about it, so instead I decided to edit this post as I fell the title is apt, and lets be honest I have no idea where to begin or what is going to follow - I just know I need to get some of this out.

My whole life I have had to fight for the things I want, I had to fight hiding who I m growing up, I had to fight for getting good grades at school, because I had some learning issues that no one addressed until it was too late. I had to fight the comments of your stupid and thick, I had to fight the negativity of "Your'll never amount to anything!!!" and I had to fight to be loved, and I grabbed hold of anyone who would love me, and when that always turned to shit, I would inevitably hit the bottle.

I had to fight to see my son due to someone who I loved, used me against me and that just made things so much worse.

I know for a fact I'm not easy to get on with, that's because I find it very hard to trust anyone, and I wonder why that is, am I just an easy mark, someone who people know that they can take advantage of?  Because I give and offer to give, and never ask for anything back.

I have been single since 2001 because I can not emotionally afford to be fucked over again, but I hate being on my own, at least when my son was living at home, I had someone I could chat with.

Every time I have worked for a company I have had to fight myself, just to get up on time.

When I have worked for myself, I have had to fight to get paid, I currently spend 18-20 hours a day, whether it's admin or on the tools and what do I have to show for it??? Fuck all.

Mostly this week, I have had to fight with Lloyds Bank who insist on being Transphobic as fuck, who for the 2nd time have blocked my Business and Personal debit cards, the only thing I thought was going well for me was the pool team, but as of late, I having to fight to enjoy a game, fight against transphobic opponents and fight with childish behaviour from team members, which puts me in a bad frame of mind, and then I can not concentrate on playing well.

I know most think I'm a joke, I know my life (if you could call it that) is.

No matter what I try to do, no matter what I pour my heart into and no matter how I think, that maybe things will get better. Every decision, and they are always thought out for every conceivable outcome, I make, is a bad decision, so why do I bother!!!

Being Trans, at some point you are deceiving people in your life, and recently someone on the pool team said to me, "You are one of the strongest people I know". Lets face it I'm not, I'm just very good at deceiving people, I have had to do that for most of my life, and I only ever show people what I think they want to see. There is a lot I do not share, lets face it, no one wants to hear it, we all have our own shit to deal with, and I have always been able to separate "life" from socialising, but putting on that brave face, that one that no one can see through, is just another way of being deceitful, and I cannot do it anymore.

I have tried to talk with people, no one wants to listen, well thats the feeling I get and at the end of the day, what it all boils down to, is that I am a joke, so who would blame them?

I can not get past the simple fact, that I am done!!!

Any goals and aspirations I have had over the the years have fallen into the world of make believe. There is no point in pretending that anything I want is a dream that will never come true.

This isn't a cry for help, because lets face it, I am beyond help, only I can help myself, and I really can not see the point either, as the only real thing, I will ever be good at, is being dead.

I'm not the type to go and take my own life, as I know that will disappoint my son and Jasper.

So I shall wait with baited breath until it's my time.