Almost year with COVID19

COVD-19 really has messed a lot of things up over the past year, I've been accused of spreading it, from a customer who was ill before I even arrived, people taking the absolute piss, namely Russell Hanson, and even my employee Andrew, and at the very least, it seems everyone else.

I have struggled with lock downs, alone and isolated, apart from 1 or 2 conversations, from people, but mainly customers, I have had no interaction with anyone, People from the community, who apparently say they miss me when ever I turned up at an event, haven't bothered with me once, the only time they do is when they have a plumbing or heating issue. Work over the past year has been dire, I had to get a massive bank loan to cover the overheads, yes, although I'm still behind with paperwork, Covid has cost me over £18,000 which I will never see again.

Andy, who works for me, refuses to go to any job over a 30 minute drive, what he doesn't realise is that, these jobs pay the overheads as well as his wages, and if the overheads are not covered, the business will close... 

If that happens, it's only Jasper, that is keeping me alive atm, and not a day goes by without me thinking about 2 or 3 different ways to go out, and once he's done, so am I.

I have put 17 years of heart, soul and back breaking effort into my business, Yes I could have worked on the cards for some company. COVID has shown, that I no longer really care about the business, even though I am still, to this day, Im redesigning, rewriting, and implementing a new customer portal and mobile device apps ( yes thats a lot of hours relearning code and insfrastructor),TBH  I can not see the business going past the next 2 years, thats if I'm lucky, or past this April, but that's another issue.

If you are one that knows computer commands or code, you might recognise "rm -rf ~/"

Basically that is a hard delete of the home directory for the user, that is how i feel with my life!!! and regardless with what I have done for the past 9-10 months.. a hard remove of everything from here onwards without the chance of an undo, that includes myself! Seems like the best idea!

No matter how hard I try to turn things around, I am smacked hard in the face with reality, that...

NO ONE GIVES A SHIT!!! 

I am only seen for what I do! (A useless Employer, A unless business person and a Useless Parent), I'm continually laughed at, and ridiculed, new customers only tolerate me being trans, cos no one else is available, and not who I am, regardless.

What is funny, well I think it is, none of my so-called friends called have called to see how I'm doing, I am not in any ones support bubble and I am certainly not thought about, okay I might get slated for that, I did, actually get one phone call between Xmass 2020 and new years, but I never get a call to say, fancy coming to the pub as I'm walking past.

Maybe my son's attitude about speaking with me is because I was like that with my Mum, (so I am to blame for that! ) my mum, who I miss so much. TBH I used to hate her calling, and I never really had the time to chat, and even though she passed away, in 2013, I still miss her and regret everything I have ever not done, when it comes down to my mum.

My biggest regret ever, with my mum, is when I was at school (around 1986), a few days after my dad caught me when I was 15 ,(well you would have to have read my old about me page), anyway I was not nice, and mum tried to wake me as the alarm clock was going off, this alarm clock, I threw against the wall smashing it to bits and I shouted fuck off, to her and to leave me alone, my mum gave me that alarm clock, and she had had it since she was 15. Most days I think about that and fucking hate myself for it. The only person who has ever really cared about me and cared about and throughout my life, I have always I let her down.

I know mums forgive, but how could she, if I can't forgive myself.

Not that I believe in heaven or hell, but I know when its my time, if there is such a thing, I'm going down there. 

I have tried to make up for my past indigressions but no matter how hard I try, it still boils down to the fact I am a waste of air, yes someone else could be breathing that air.

I doubt anyone will ever read this, I certainly won't blame anyone if they don't, I mean why would they!

Jasper has a few things wrong with him, and I took a photo the other day of one of his testicles.. (yep doggy porn) it's the size of a tin of baked beans, and not the small size, he needs the vets, but I'm scared he won't come back, hopefully he is going this week, but I know I'm my heart, if he is done, I can't and will not go on and this will be the last time anyone hears from me.

He is the only thing (thing is wrong) that keeps me alive.

Yes I know it's been a while from my last blog post, that's because why type out shit...

I suppose i decided to type this tonight after watching, again, for the zillion times that film about Motley Crue on Netflix last night and it brought back so many memories.

If Nick ever reads this he will certainly remember those times ( Thank you for watching my back , back then, it was Antony's mum that stopped you for being Antony's god parent, not that he was baptised), thankfully I got to see Crue in the 80's at Londons' Wembley Arena, with Brendon, who I have not seen since 1993, and myself as a failed guitarist, believe it or not, I still,  somewhere I still have Niki Six's guitar strings from that night, I wish I had certainly kept things up. I suppose I blame my dad, "GET A JOB, GET an Apprenticeship!!, earn money You'll be man in the building industry" which pushed any dreams or ideas about my future to the gutter.

Thanks to CheckaTrade my dad doesn't speak to me, apparently I changed my phone numbers, without notification, well Dad!!! if you bothered to check, the numbers that was brought in by CheckaTrade, was to monitor calls and are not owned by me, but thats the narcissist in you, We all know this! I feel so much for Murry, as the only time we have any interaction with you...  dad, brought back memories of my childhood. 

That seem to be imposed upon those around you.. 

All I can say is that Murry is a saint, as I would have killed you by now!

If you have got this far, I bow down to you, this is what happened when you drink, on your own, and I hate drinking on my own, as it brings back very dark memories, memories that have been embedded since before the internet.

Facebook... yes facebook, why have I not been on for a while, why bother.. All I see is people who are happy or (fake happy), or posted to get so many likes to fell some sort of validation!!! I'm not like that, and anything I ever post is probaly never seen, I still keep the account alive for the business and pool team, although, if I am honest, it all seems to me, as a bit of a joke.  And the joke is on me.

Okay so I shouldn't have opened and started drinking a bottle of Jack Daniels Single Barrel Select.