Almost A Week Smoke Free

So where to start what's been happening this week well as you already know I started giving up smoking last weekend and that has been a struggle. On many occasions I have really wanted to go to the shop and buy a packet of cigarettes. However I didn't, and I must admit I am very proud of myself. There are times after a meal or a telephone conversation with a customer that I instinctively reach for a cigarette, and to combat those cravings I have been using the power of extra strong mints and Tic-Tacs, I do also have a couple of vapes that help take the edge off, which has only happened a few times, and I don't believe that they are delivering the nicotine, and that the feeling of lightheadedness, I feel, is down to the fact my brain is not getting oxygen and not a delivery of nicotine. Question is, 'do I miss it?' and the answer is yes, however I do not miss the taste.Nicotine patches and gum are disgusting and have made me throw up in the past so, to be honest, its cold turkey or bust.

Anyway that's enough debating the power of nicotine supplying products.

I was browsing through some old photos of myself the other day and even 10 years ago I was styling my own hair, however the problem with old-age is that there is hair loss, and there are receding areas which cannot really be covered over. Some of my best photos are with a certain freestyle wig. One of my biggest problems with my job and my transition is how I look when walking into a customers house. Obviously any women in the building industry would not go to work with a lot of make up on, if any at all, and their hair looking perfect. The problem with me is I need a lot of make up to cover certain areas and so when I go to work I'm pretty much going to be presenting as male. Which is going to cause problems on its own. But for the time being my main hairstyle was that I would curl it at home and for work I would just tie it back in a ponytail, which I feel is not the best thing for my hair. I'm hoping to get hold of one of my customers, whose daughter is a trainee hairdresser (3rd year) and have a chat about different styles that would suit me in both every day life and work. Although I really prefer my hair to be styled as in the picture attached to this blog.

Something else I have to look forward to this week. It's no secret that I am currently having electrolysis on my face which if I'm honest will take a good few years to clear properly and will cost a fortune. When I was up in London the other week my beauty consultant who is doing the electrolysis suggested that I should go for laser hair removal in conjunction with the electrolysis this would help clear my face a lot quicker. I did spend nearly £6000 on IPL a few years ago. That was not just my face that was all of my body. I was told by a few companies in the area that I couldn't have laser due to my skin tone. So on Thursday I have an appointment with a local company that do laser and not IPL and I'm hoping that the taster session will go well. The quicker I can clear my face, the better I will feel.

One of my biggest fears is telling people about myself and losing their friendship. This is a major issue for everyone in my position and everyone who are cool with me. The problem is, this may cause issues with the friends we both share. When my dad transitioned, my mum was blamed just as much as my dad for hiding a secret for years from everyone, and some of our oldest family friends still treated my mother with the same lack of respect and love-less they showed my father, and that was only because she kept my fathers secret. 

I have a really good community of motorcycle friends or bikers, so one of the biggest fears I have is that certain members of the group will not be supportive or understanding, whilst I could handle this, a fear is that, I do not want the people who are supportive and wish to stay friends to have any negative fallout from those who are not supportive or understanding. Fortunately for me I have, throughout my working life been in an industry where people will take the mick out of everything, this I can handle and obviously anything over a long period of time would seriously have a negative impact, but if that is the worst I get then telling the group is a wise move. Not telling the group is also a wise move, until certain changes with myself become too obvious to hide. I have a small number of the group turning up tomorrow and there is one or two who I was thinking of having a chat with, however the more I think about this, the more I feel is a bad idea. There is also the option where I don't tell anyone and over a period of time I just slope away from the group. You know with excuses like "sorry can't make it this week" and  "works in the way" or "the bikes broken" etc.

The biggest problem with that is I am sick to death of being deceitful, by hiding who I am. If the worst that could happen, is that I get a punch in the face, it would be wort it to say, "hey at least I am not be deceitful with people I trust with my life", and if didn't have that level of trust with some of the riders, I would not be out riding with them, and I wouldn't be in this situation lol.